where the love lasts

i used to think downtime was just a time and space that i get to do what i enjoy.

to an extent, it probably is?

haha. i love just gettin' kev over and wipe off a few games of 2k. or going to play ball with tones who's gettin better every week. Or dreaming about the future even.

but i think there's much more to it. the intangibles, i call it.


actually, what i'm probably talking about is rest. not just downtime. not just any rest too, at that. but that certain kind of rest that only God can give. And it's much more than just that peace and calm inside, but also that assurance that He's got your back. That brief disconnection from the worries of the world where for at least for one moment you didn't have to think or do anything out of obligation or responsibility.

and then there's His presence.

what many people describe as well, indescribable, i will at least attempt to use descriptive words to capture some of the effect of His presence. This knowing full well that I will come up short of fully comprehending the experience of engaging with God.

This is just my point of view of what He does to me. Or you maybe? Feel free to fit a 'me' into some of these

He lifts up
He encourages
He fills up
He makes whole
He binds together
He restores
He heals
He empowers
He inspires
He breathes life
He forgives
He loves

no matter what.

and so with that, I can face the world again

fhl

ever not be honest with yourself?

well. i have.

in the end, i realise that no matter how hard i try, i can't run away from it.

i want to live a life of fhl



so as the keys of my rubber keyboard squeak as i type this while the oh so apt come what may plays in the background, i think i'm beginning to unearth what i have unknowingly kept hidden for so long.

we were made for so much more.

yet. the flash cars, the comfy pad, the suave clothes, the enviable job, the chiseled abs, the multi-digit bank account. the good impression, the great reputation, heck, even the smiley people all around you. things we all spend our lives chasing. and even when we do attain these things, what next? at the end of the day, it's such a disappointingly empty chase.

we were meant to live for so much more.

i realised today that, at times, i sometimes feel like i'm not good enough. and it's not that i think i'm not good enough for others, but for myself. and that this self deprecating attitude then drives me into a hole. a hole that i well up in and forget about the currency of the grace all around.

so where did this come from? on many levels, it's the experience of rejection. it's the experience of hurt. it's the experience of having an honest trust maligned by simple disapproval. of having a taste of forever come crashing down with just a few painful words.

and just all of a sudden, tomorrow's blank, yesterday's forgotten, and today's just a series of fleeting moments mixed in with intrinsic numbness and extrinsic pretense.

just where then is the life, in this life what we are meant to live?

i think that was when i first understood grace.

that by grace, i'm accepted.
by grace, i'm good enough.
by grace, i'm loved.

that by grace, i can live a life of faith, hope and love
without which, i am dead

and by grace, i have life to the full.


there you go.

i'm being honest now.