if grace is an ocean we're all sinking
I don't know what to think really. In the end, i think the real person i find myself fighting is myself.
is it true that ive fallen this far? that i have been unaware of the very decay i so often guard against. sold by the immediacy and seduction of the daytoday idols. throwing myself away into the temporary. enticed by the promises of satisfaction. bearing the weight of the lofty aspirations i have suddenly set upon myself - the pride that comes with it all.
what does it mean to walk. what does it mean to pick up my cross and follow? what does it mean to deny myself (die to myself daily) ie pick up my cross and follow Him? the old is gone, the new has come. what does it mean to walk in the light, to act justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with God?
yet, in spite of all my flaws and failings, He still chooses to love me. be jealous, even. because only in Him, through Him, i am made whole. then i can be who i was made to be.
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
if grace is an ocean we're all sinking.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Saturday, October 02, 2010
sup
for the moment, i think i need to calm down (abit)
there's been so much activity (in a good way) guess this is really maximising my time in the non-teaching period huh? (fake holiday)
so what did i do? went snowboarding on the last possible week of snow in Victoria (or so it says) then on to grampians with WAH for the next couple of days!
i think over the past three days ive clocked about 16 hours of driving. gosh my car's done even better, having been lent to two other cells for trips to grampians (again) and lake's entrance.
that's a few thousand more k's for SGT!
on a side note, i gotta start buckling down and getting serious. 6 weeks to the end. let's go!
Friday, September 24, 2010
let it rip
so many subtleties, so many lessons.
it has been an awesome week.
in a (discreetly) roundabout way, i can't help but feel like im making breakthroughs on so many fronts. first, there's work. i can't say i absolutely enjoy what i do these days, but there has been a strange positivity of late - a lil lighthearted hint of joy creepin in that makes me want to smile (all the time). this, in a time where the stress/pressure/torture should be at its highest.
i think im starting to find it again, this little light of mine.
on another front, there's been strange progression in a manner that is both unexpected and (actually kinda) dangerous, but i gut-feel/think its actual leading me somewhere, somewhere different. somewhere where the root of it all will be exposed for what it is. where all the judgement and the coldness of heart will be broken. somewhere where love overcomes and grace overflows. yeah, im starting to like that somewhere.
all of sudden, there's meaning to the words. i feel alive, again. it makes me ponder though. have i been gone so long that ive forgotten what it means to be on the other side of the fence? have i forgotten why?
i am just the same.
i forgot that. and thats where the joy lies. im no superman. im no saviour. but i can be a friend. a friend to a friend in need. not because i can, but because i know. because, just like you, the world once broke my heart. so i gave it to the one who never will.
ah there's life in this song
let it rip
it has been an awesome week.
in a (discreetly) roundabout way, i can't help but feel like im making breakthroughs on so many fronts. first, there's work. i can't say i absolutely enjoy what i do these days, but there has been a strange positivity of late - a lil lighthearted hint of joy creepin in that makes me want to smile (all the time). this, in a time where the stress/pressure/torture should be at its highest.
i think im starting to find it again, this little light of mine.
on another front, there's been strange progression in a manner that is both unexpected and (actually kinda) dangerous, but i gut-feel/think its actual leading me somewhere, somewhere different. somewhere where the root of it all will be exposed for what it is. where all the judgement and the coldness of heart will be broken. somewhere where love overcomes and grace overflows. yeah, im starting to like that somewhere.
all of sudden, there's meaning to the words. i feel alive, again. it makes me ponder though. have i been gone so long that ive forgotten what it means to be on the other side of the fence? have i forgotten why?
i am just the same.
i forgot that. and thats where the joy lies. im no superman. im no saviour. but i can be a friend. a friend to a friend in need. not because i can, but because i know. because, just like you, the world once broke my heart. so i gave it to the one who never will.
ah there's life in this song
let it rip
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
this little light of mine
it's so amazing how in a span of just few days
things can happen that can change your life
the past couple of days have been incredible
first of all, i havent experienced God being so close in such a long while. but it took quite a bit of breaking. of self-realization. of seeking. of asking. of coming. what changed? I changed. because i chose to do something out of utter desolation and desperation.
secondly, i havent seen myself thisway in just as long. it's like im back on track again. wanting to grow, wanting to learn. seeing the worth and the value and purpose of everything and everyone once again.
living with passion. being whole. living free. living like you love life.
this little light of mine
ima let it shine
things can happen that can change your life
the past couple of days have been incredible
first of all, i havent experienced God being so close in such a long while. but it took quite a bit of breaking. of self-realization. of seeking. of asking. of coming. what changed? I changed. because i chose to do something out of utter desolation and desperation.
secondly, i havent seen myself thisway in just as long. it's like im back on track again. wanting to grow, wanting to learn. seeing the worth and the value and purpose of everything and everyone once again.
living with passion. being whole. living free. living like you love life.
this little light of mine
ima let it shine
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
action
seize the day!
with every shift in mindset/perspective, action needs to follow
no longer can i continue the way i do/did
but choose. yes, choose, to willfully intentionally step out
each time
each moment
each opportunity
there is so much grace
and so much life
with every shift in mindset/perspective, action needs to follow
no longer can i continue the way i do/did
but choose. yes, choose, to willfully intentionally step out
each time
each moment
each opportunity
there is so much grace
and so much life
Monday, August 02, 2010
reminder
i realise i have such amazing propensity to forget
to lose myself. to be absorbed, to be consumed.
and through it all, the main incapacitators have been quite simple: idle hands, a wandering mind, and a lifeless heart.
when did i forget?
i don't remember
let me mark my tools less i forget.
to lose myself. to be absorbed, to be consumed.
and through it all, the main incapacitators have been quite simple: idle hands, a wandering mind, and a lifeless heart.
when did i forget?
i don't remember
let me mark my tools less i forget.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
clarity
i realise from that day in church: all along, there has always been a presence
sometimes i mistake that for something else. it all gets quite murky at times, this stuff. but also because it's so raw. it's so piercing. it's so consuming. we all need to be careful with it.
it's difficult to find sometimes. difficult to locate, to remember. it is so much easier just to get by without it - but that would mean barely living. diminishing what could be beautiful because i just couldn't be bothered. it dawns upon me now that perhaps part of the reason i've been so affected by stuff is because i think it's You - when perhaps it's not. or is it?
clarity is something i trying to grasp, in and amongst the thick of it.
sometimes i mistake that for something else. it all gets quite murky at times, this stuff. but also because it's so raw. it's so piercing. it's so consuming. we all need to be careful with it.
it's difficult to find sometimes. difficult to locate, to remember. it is so much easier just to get by without it - but that would mean barely living. diminishing what could be beautiful because i just couldn't be bothered. it dawns upon me now that perhaps part of the reason i've been so affected by stuff is because i think it's You - when perhaps it's not. or is it?
clarity is something i trying to grasp, in and amongst the thick of it.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
no more.
i choose to walk in the light
no matter the scoffers. no matter the pressures. no matter the emptiness.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead"
no matter the scoffers. no matter the pressures. no matter the emptiness.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead"
Monday, July 05, 2010
where you can find me
i realize i need to get used to this.
there have been a lot of hints dropped. subtle things. little messages here and there if you can only filter it out from everything else. and it's not just a question of reading between the lines, but the time spent letting it simmer. letting it all sink in. the processing.
it's like downloading programs of the internet - it ain't useful until it's opened up and installed. not forgetting also learning how to use the program (in collaboration with other programs?) and the time and effort invested into the mastery of it to actually get it to work for you. (haha ok maybe i'm taking this analogy abit too far) still, it's kind of the same thing. trying to hear an unmistakable still small voice despite the noise. collecting the pieces together. reading and meditating on scripture and lessons. building up faith. then actually getting up and off the sofa and living it out.
right now, it's too noisy.
i need to quiet down.
there have been a lot of hints dropped. subtle things. little messages here and there if you can only filter it out from everything else. and it's not just a question of reading between the lines, but the time spent letting it simmer. letting it all sink in. the processing.
it's like downloading programs of the internet - it ain't useful until it's opened up and installed. not forgetting also learning how to use the program (in collaboration with other programs?) and the time and effort invested into the mastery of it to actually get it to work for you. (haha ok maybe i'm taking this analogy abit too far) still, it's kind of the same thing. trying to hear an unmistakable still small voice despite the noise. collecting the pieces together. reading and meditating on scripture and lessons. building up faith. then actually getting up and off the sofa and living it out.
right now, it's too noisy.
i need to quiet down.
Saturday, July 03, 2010
before it breaks
i could listen to this song all day and not get tired of it.
it's an excellent opportunity to learn under N, who is absolutely talented in his craft. SO. the end goal is to get to a certain level under N's guidance by the year's end.
hopefully i won't break :)
how apt, this song. and this post. and this blog. it should be like the theme song or something. geez, talk about contemplation and melancholy. what of having a good memory.
it's an excellent opportunity to learn under N, who is absolutely talented in his craft. SO. the end goal is to get to a certain level under N's guidance by the year's end.
hopefully i won't break :)
how apt, this song. and this post. and this blog. it should be like the theme song or something. geez, talk about contemplation and melancholy. what of having a good memory.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
oh, hello again :)
here i am. good ol' 73 cavenagh
2 hours away from being at the airport, 1 hour to pack. (surely it takes nowhere that long)
it dawned upon me that this might be one of the last times i get to sit and just stone in my chocolate (mocha?) coloured room that my dad and i painted by balancing on an assortment of chairs and tables to reach up the 3.0m high walls. the standard ikea shelving jam-packed with stuff from yesteryear, the now-too-slow but once was (almost)top-of-the-range pc barely surviving dad's daily email sessions and mom's (pc)mahjong. the squeaky bed still being, well, squeaky. "It sounds dodge, that bed. like something dodgy is happening." says mom. of all people. haha.
there is a strange sense of fondness, coupled with an excitement of what is to come.
soon it'll be goodbye orchard road. hello again, yishun. new yet old. old yet new.
such is also the state of my mind. new faces, old faces. new yet old, old yet new.
before i came back i thought that all i would have would be a little escape back home. didn't think things would turn out the way they did. just something else, every single day. collectively, more has happened on so many levels in 13 days than all of the 2+ months i usually spend at home every year.
God is moving.
and so I will follow.
see ya'll soon. :)
2 hours away from being at the airport, 1 hour to pack. (surely it takes nowhere that long)
it dawned upon me that this might be one of the last times i get to sit and just stone in my chocolate (mocha?) coloured room that my dad and i painted by balancing on an assortment of chairs and tables to reach up the 3.0m high walls. the standard ikea shelving jam-packed with stuff from yesteryear, the now-too-slow but once was (almost)top-of-the-range pc barely surviving dad's daily email sessions and mom's (pc)mahjong. the squeaky bed still being, well, squeaky. "It sounds dodge, that bed. like something dodgy is happening." says mom. of all people. haha.
there is a strange sense of fondness, coupled with an excitement of what is to come.
soon it'll be goodbye orchard road. hello again, yishun. new yet old. old yet new.
such is also the state of my mind. new faces, old faces. new yet old, old yet new.
before i came back i thought that all i would have would be a little escape back home. didn't think things would turn out the way they did. just something else, every single day. collectively, more has happened on so many levels in 13 days than all of the 2+ months i usually spend at home every year.
God is moving.
and so I will follow.
see ya'll soon. :)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
a new day
it seems that i have an arthritic right pinky
this morning, i woke up
and it was different
ok. not taking into account the fact that i had slept for almost 12 hours (which is very rare given my choice of university course) but it felt just very much so that something was not the same
like a shift of atmosphere
(cue repeat SHIFT OF ATMOSPHERE!!! by nickyseow)
and not in the sense of a change in altitude and water vapour, but spiritual atmosphere.
yesterday, i prayed a very interesting prayer. one that was almost 'prescribed' to me given the situation and circumstances i still find myself in. i was apprehensive, at first. but before i allowed skepticism to get to me i found myself moving my lips and praying a barely audible prayer - so soft that i knew only One who could hear. i'd usually pray something like this in my mind, or in my heart. but i was told to speak it out.
so i did.
i'll confess that even last night after praying it, things didn't change much. as in, it wasn't sudden or dramatic. but i knew it was going to be a process. that prayer, essentially, was a decision. and i still hadn't grasped the entirety of making such a decision. it's one of those things where you know you should do something - but you just don't want to. can't, almost, because everything that you've held on to to this point is in question. and in choosing to forego everything, you're essentially giving up control. and that seemed... very, very scary. because the decision involved the potential of losing everything. because of the possibility of the death of a dream. because it's not about you anymore. is that what i want? hold up. is it even about what i want? because this decision would most definitely redefine that in every possible way.
so, today.
today was spent walking down memory lane. i didn't plan for it to happen that way - it just did. (for many who know me, it seems to always be like this) i visited places that i hadn't been in about 10 years. did things in those places i hadn't done for about as long. and i'd still been reeling somewhat from the 'freshness' of the morning, which lent to my contemplative mood as i encountered each wave of familiarity - trying hard to relate what once was with the day's newfound perspective. i found myself connecting forgotten dreams with new ones (which is a rather intricate process to verbalise i must say). put simply, it was an opportunity to reconnect present and past, to understand what i was doing in light of what i had done. to remember who i once was in contrast to who i now am. and all this, with a fresh new hope for something greater.
today, i saw faces, places and reflections. and through them, i also saw glimpses of the future.
a new day, with You.
that's when a new day happens everyday
this morning, i woke up
and it was different
ok. not taking into account the fact that i had slept for almost 12 hours (which is very rare given my choice of university course) but it felt just very much so that something was not the same
like a shift of atmosphere
(cue repeat SHIFT OF ATMOSPHERE!!! by nickyseow)
and not in the sense of a change in altitude and water vapour, but spiritual atmosphere.
yesterday, i prayed a very interesting prayer. one that was almost 'prescribed' to me given the situation and circumstances i still find myself in. i was apprehensive, at first. but before i allowed skepticism to get to me i found myself moving my lips and praying a barely audible prayer - so soft that i knew only One who could hear. i'd usually pray something like this in my mind, or in my heart. but i was told to speak it out.
so i did.
i'll confess that even last night after praying it, things didn't change much. as in, it wasn't sudden or dramatic. but i knew it was going to be a process. that prayer, essentially, was a decision. and i still hadn't grasped the entirety of making such a decision. it's one of those things where you know you should do something - but you just don't want to. can't, almost, because everything that you've held on to to this point is in question. and in choosing to forego everything, you're essentially giving up control. and that seemed... very, very scary. because the decision involved the potential of losing everything. because of the possibility of the death of a dream. because it's not about you anymore. is that what i want? hold up. is it even about what i want? because this decision would most definitely redefine that in every possible way.
so, today.
today was spent walking down memory lane. i didn't plan for it to happen that way - it just did. (for many who know me, it seems to always be like this) i visited places that i hadn't been in about 10 years. did things in those places i hadn't done for about as long. and i'd still been reeling somewhat from the 'freshness' of the morning, which lent to my contemplative mood as i encountered each wave of familiarity - trying hard to relate what once was with the day's newfound perspective. i found myself connecting forgotten dreams with new ones (which is a rather intricate process to verbalise i must say). put simply, it was an opportunity to reconnect present and past, to understand what i was doing in light of what i had done. to remember who i once was in contrast to who i now am. and all this, with a fresh new hope for something greater.
today, i saw faces, places and reflections. and through them, i also saw glimpses of the future.
a new day, with You.
that's when a new day happens everyday
Monday, May 17, 2010
digging deep
it is always at this particular time/stage of semester when
i find myself fighting the toughest battles yet
but somehow i know
its an opportunity
to go deeper
i find myself fighting the toughest battles yet
but somehow i know
its an opportunity
to go deeper
Friday, April 23, 2010
where the love lasts
i used to think downtime was just a time and space that i get to do what i enjoy.
to an extent, it probably is?
haha. i love just gettin' kev over and wipe off a few games of 2k. or going to play ball with tones who's gettin better every week. Or dreaming about the future even.
but i think there's much more to it. the intangibles, i call it.
actually, what i'm probably talking about is rest. not just downtime. not just any rest too, at that. but that certain kind of rest that only God can give. And it's much more than just that peace and calm inside, but also that assurance that He's got your back. That brief disconnection from the worries of the world where for at least for one moment you didn't have to think or do anything out of obligation or responsibility.
and then there's His presence.
what many people describe as well, indescribable, i will at least attempt to use descriptive words to capture some of the effect of His presence. This knowing full well that I will come up short of fully comprehending the experience of engaging with God.
This is just my point of view of what He does to me. Or you maybe? Feel free to fit a 'me' into some of these
He lifts up
He encourages
He fills up
He makes whole
He binds together
He restores
He heals
He empowers
He inspires
He breathes life
He forgives
He loves
no matter what.
and so with that, I can face the world again
to an extent, it probably is?
haha. i love just gettin' kev over and wipe off a few games of 2k. or going to play ball with tones who's gettin better every week. Or dreaming about the future even.
but i think there's much more to it. the intangibles, i call it.
actually, what i'm probably talking about is rest. not just downtime. not just any rest too, at that. but that certain kind of rest that only God can give. And it's much more than just that peace and calm inside, but also that assurance that He's got your back. That brief disconnection from the worries of the world where for at least for one moment you didn't have to think or do anything out of obligation or responsibility.
and then there's His presence.
what many people describe as well, indescribable, i will at least attempt to use descriptive words to capture some of the effect of His presence. This knowing full well that I will come up short of fully comprehending the experience of engaging with God.
This is just my point of view of what He does to me. Or you maybe? Feel free to fit a 'me' into some of these
He lifts up
He encourages
He fills up
He makes whole
He binds together
He restores
He heals
He empowers
He inspires
He breathes life
He forgives
He loves
no matter what.
and so with that, I can face the world again
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
fhl
ever not be honest with yourself?
well. i have.
in the end, i realise that no matter how hard i try, i can't run away from it.
i want to live a life of fhl
so as the keys of my rubber keyboard squeak as i type this while the oh so apt come what may plays in the background, i think i'm beginning to unearth what i have unknowingly kept hidden for so long.
we were made for so much more.
yet. the flash cars, the comfy pad, the suave clothes, the enviable job, the chiseled abs, the multi-digit bank account. the good impression, the great reputation, heck, even the smiley people all around you. things we all spend our lives chasing. and even when we do attain these things, what next? at the end of the day, it's such a disappointingly empty chase.
we were meant to live for so much more.
i realised today that, at times, i sometimes feel like i'm not good enough. and it's not that i think i'm not good enough for others, but for myself. and that this self deprecating attitude then drives me into a hole. a hole that i well up in and forget about the currency of the grace all around.
so where did this come from? on many levels, it's the experience of rejection. it's the experience of hurt. it's the experience of having an honest trust maligned by simple disapproval. of having a taste of forever come crashing down with just a few painful words.
and just all of a sudden, tomorrow's blank, yesterday's forgotten, and today's just a series of fleeting moments mixed in with intrinsic numbness and extrinsic pretense.
just where then is the life, in this life what we are meant to live?
i think that was when i first understood grace.
that by grace, i'm accepted.
by grace, i'm good enough.
by grace, i'm loved.
that by grace, i can live a life of faith, hope and love
without which, i am dead
and by grace, i have life to the full.
there you go.
i'm being honest now.
well. i have.
in the end, i realise that no matter how hard i try, i can't run away from it.
i want to live a life of fhl
so as the keys of my rubber keyboard squeak as i type this while the oh so apt come what may plays in the background, i think i'm beginning to unearth what i have unknowingly kept hidden for so long.
we were made for so much more.
yet. the flash cars, the comfy pad, the suave clothes, the enviable job, the chiseled abs, the multi-digit bank account. the good impression, the great reputation, heck, even the smiley people all around you. things we all spend our lives chasing. and even when we do attain these things, what next? at the end of the day, it's such a disappointingly empty chase.
we were meant to live for so much more.
i realised today that, at times, i sometimes feel like i'm not good enough. and it's not that i think i'm not good enough for others, but for myself. and that this self deprecating attitude then drives me into a hole. a hole that i well up in and forget about the currency of the grace all around.
so where did this come from? on many levels, it's the experience of rejection. it's the experience of hurt. it's the experience of having an honest trust maligned by simple disapproval. of having a taste of forever come crashing down with just a few painful words.
and just all of a sudden, tomorrow's blank, yesterday's forgotten, and today's just a series of fleeting moments mixed in with intrinsic numbness and extrinsic pretense.
just where then is the life, in this life what we are meant to live?
i think that was when i first understood grace.
that by grace, i'm accepted.
by grace, i'm good enough.
by grace, i'm loved.
that by grace, i can live a life of faith, hope and love
without which, i am dead
and by grace, i have life to the full.
there you go.
i'm being honest now.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
For You
so it comes down to this:
here i am
absolutely overflowing inside
there's just so much to contain
i can barely hold it in
faces, places
home and away
here then is the conclusion of this exploratory venture into what resides in my heart
the what and the who that it beats for
in the end
all i can find
is You
so i pray that you lead me, guide me, fill me
and walk alongside me
as i learn to trust
surrender
step out
onto the path
in which You have laid out before me
and so
i give You all the praise
all the honour
and all the glory
it's Yours
I'm Yours
Amen
here i am
absolutely overflowing inside
there's just so much to contain
i can barely hold it in
faces, places
home and away
here then is the conclusion of this exploratory venture into what resides in my heart
the what and the who that it beats for
in the end
all i can find
is You
so i pray that you lead me, guide me, fill me
and walk alongside me
as i learn to trust
surrender
step out
onto the path
in which You have laid out before me
and so
i give You all the praise
all the honour
and all the glory
it's Yours
I'm Yours
Amen
Sunday, February 21, 2010
don't need to see it to believe it
it's not about losing your way
because we all do
but there is a love that brings us back
"So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about - He is looking for us." - Simon Tugwell
And so this I pray
knowing His love will make a way
the way.
because we all do
but there is a love that brings us back
"So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about - He is looking for us." - Simon Tugwell
And so this I pray
knowing His love will make a way
the way.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
summertime
the summer's just been awesome
i'm just really grateful right now. Thank You for everything :)
and its all coming full circle
it's just so amazing how You work
how everyone connects
well im just going to plug away at it
set apart
destiny, its called.
well destiny calls
haha.
ps terence was just talking about that tonight.
well its been quite an adventure thus far! we'll see how it goes. there's still so much on the itinerary. what a journey so far though. i think there really has been progress. im finding out so much more. about people. about myself. about life. about You.
the days are just packed.
i cant wait!
i'm just really grateful right now. Thank You for everything :)
and its all coming full circle
it's just so amazing how You work
how everyone connects
well im just going to plug away at it
set apart
destiny, its called.
well destiny calls
haha.
ps terence was just talking about that tonight.
well its been quite an adventure thus far! we'll see how it goes. there's still so much on the itinerary. what a journey so far though. i think there really has been progress. im finding out so much more. about people. about myself. about life. about You.
the days are just packed.
i cant wait!
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