scars and wounds

suddenly i remember why

I put myself to death

All of sudden auntie M's words come to mind, it was when she picked me that evening out of the crowd - I couldn't answer. Perhaps because I didn't know, know. not for certain, at least.

I once did know.

and now I remember

because there is much much much more than this

pride and joy

Time of day i can't recall
The kind of thing that takes it's toll
Over years and over time
Over smiles and over wine
All in all it wasn't bad
All in all it wasn't good
But i still care
That's the problem with the days
They're never long enough to say
What it is you never said
All the books you never read
I throw myself into the wind
Hoping somebody will pick me up
And carry me again

Where are you now
Do you let me down
Do you make me grieve for you
Do i make you proud
Do you get me now
Am i your pride and joy
I believe this to be true
Nothing sacred nothing new
No one tells you when its time
There are no warnings only signs
And you know that you're alone
You're not a child anymore
But you're still scared
All your mountains turn to rocks
All your oceans turn to drops
They are nothing like you thought
Can't be something you are not
Life is not a looking glass
Don't get tangled in your past
Like i am learning not to

Where are you now
Do you let me down
Do you make me grieve for you
Do i make you proud
Do you get me now
Am i your pride joy



I know i shouldn't listen to too much BC.

but i can't help it

indelible

i went for a walk today.

it was a beautiful day. temperature was oh just right. like a cool singapore day without the humidity. it was pretty random, but i just got up and walked out the door in the middle of doing something else. didn't bother dressing up (not that i do), didn't say anything. just put on them slippers (!) and walked.

naturally, i thought a lot. and i prayed a lot. i asked God a lot and i remembered a lot.

as i walked past the many faces - i couldn't help but remember again that there are countless stories going on, all at the very same time. all concurrent, many interwoven. and then i can't help but think how big God's heart must be to love us all.

but also, for the first time in a long time, there was a familiar sense of displacement. the recollection that while i am not my own, i am also somebody. not a lifeless generic yes yes toy tossed about and around by the turbulence of life, but having a will of my own. crafted uniquely for a purpose. but having an option to choose. a hope to believe in. and something to fight for.

their stories are not my story. and where they intertwine, they'll form part of it for a time and a season. but there is still a distinction. come a time, there is still a choice to be made. A conscious unwavering will to stand firm for faith and for hope and for love. no one's going to make that choice on my behalf. nor is it going to be the default. i realize and remember that it is only I who can decide.

and so i choose.

beautiful

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

there is so much in this world that we fail to grasp
fail to see, fail to listen, understand and comprehend
and perhaps, we don't want to?

there is something in the realization of an end
the sudden awareness of vulnerability, pain, and hopelessness
that births a longing for redemption
and an abandonment of self to hope

when I've seen, no, known by faith that there is more
how can i be passive, how can i be still
where then
is the man whose heart is tender towards You?
but out of the dust and the ashes
You do make something beautiful

as You have desired for this world and Your people

and as I lose myself in You

and You make me new

to love just like You do