Tough gig, this. (getting older)
Not sure how I got here. There has been tremendous change. In heart, in mind, and in spirit. A real shift - things that meant so much more to me once upon a time no longer do, replaced by new things that I had never thought would mean anything to me.
In many ways, it is a lot simpler. Yet more complex. Gone is the wonder and amazement, the thrill and the exhilaration. But in its place, I find instead simple stability, contentment, and a quiet thankfulness.
Unpacking the simple and complex oxymoron - the heart stuff got a lot more simple, but the intellectual stuff got a lot more complex. I have before me an opportunity to truly do me. To learn and grow without the baggage of 'what if' (in real life) and attempting the reconcile the world with the wild, infinitesimal extremes of my imagination (which has led to so much disappointment). I felt like I really got to the end of me - which is a void of such emptiness that your heart fails to feel anything. Not even fear when you reach the realisation that there is really just nothing but nothingness. At the end, you come to terms with the failure to have anything having gone your way. Whatever that is. Nothing mattered anymore.
It was only then that the healing came. The truth came. And in embracing it, I found so much healing. There was such a need to rid the old, and welcome the new. Death to the old season. Reset, re-assess and re-calibrate. Here comes the new.
And through all of this, You remain the one constant. For that I am so thankful.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Oceans Part 2
How easy it is to be numb.
History has repeated itself somewhat. I've been here before - been lost in this before.
How easy it is to lose your individuality, to lose yourself in the ebb and flow.
How revealing.
Just when you thought you were out of the woods, you realize that you've lost your way. again.
All we look for, in its deepest form, is perhaps, simple comfort. and intimacy.
To feel safe, To feel loved. To belong.
And yet, even so. where then is the power?
The power to dream, to hope, to fight?
What of strength?
What of honour?
What of passion?
It is then that I pause and realize that the one I really miss is You, for You give me all of these things.
…you may be partakers of the divine nature… —2 Peter 1:4
History has repeated itself somewhat. I've been here before - been lost in this before.
How easy it is to lose your individuality, to lose yourself in the ebb and flow.
How revealing.
Just when you thought you were out of the woods, you realize that you've lost your way. again.
All we look for, in its deepest form, is perhaps, simple comfort. and intimacy.
To feel safe, To feel loved. To belong.
And yet, even so. where then is the power?
The power to dream, to hope, to fight?
What of strength?
What of honour?
What of passion?
It is then that I pause and realize that the one I really miss is You, for You give me all of these things.
…you may be partakers of the divine nature… —2 Peter 1:4
Friday, December 26, 2014
A Christmas Song (in my heart)
What a year.
As I sit here in my room listening to a mix of PTX and the afternoon monsoon rain streaming down the window, I can't help but think about what a year it's been. and how I've arrived here in this crazy journey.
What was I doing at this time last year? Let's see. 41X would've just ended marking the two biggest years of my HG growth. I would've had just attended the HG Christmas Party that coincided with the last day of my resignation. Would've been handing out cards at the Christmas Party and giving/receiving well wishes. Would've been wondering about the uncertainty of what was to come. I vaguely recall skyping with NL about a couple projects in Malaysia. I recall there was a sense of excitement, anticipation, and expectation. The office had been secured, and was about to be fitted out (with our crazy fitout design). We were on our way up, and it was exciting.
Fast forward one year, and we find ourselves in a place probably different from what we were expecting. Ups and downs. Wins and losses. Agreements and disagreements. Choices presented and decisions made. It hasn't been easy by any measure, but I am so thankful that we've remained steady through our episodes of difficulty, and (for the most part) channeled this into growth and development. I actually think at some point, though I'm not quite sure when, we transitioned to the next phase in our growth on so many levels. There is now a team - and through our ups and downs it feels like we are all learning together. As a collective, but also at a personal level.
I suppose one of the biggest things, though it'll probably be hard to properly describe, is the working out and testing of idea(l)s and possibilities against commercial realities and relational intricacies - both at a project level and at an organizational level. The biggest thing this year has probably been learning (the hard way) what this looks like. Looking back, there has been so much that has come from us just feeling our way through new and uncertain situations, and dealing with the emergent outcomes.
When I stop, pause, and just take stock of all the milestones and new opportunities presented I can't help but think how blessed we are to be in this situation. At the same time, I am just as intrigued by how all of this must somehow be part of a bigger story unraveling through all of our individual stories.
Personally, and relationally, it's been a big growth year coming off a couple of tough ones. It's funny how much you learn about yourself by just putting yourself out there. This year feels like it's been the culmination of a long season of breaking, healing, and acceptance, and through this so much self-discovery has come of it. I've become younger and matured perhaps at the same time, intensified and mellowed simultaneously, all in the process of coming closer to becoming whole. There's still a long way to go, but trajectory-wise I just start to feel that much of the realignment has just taken place. Calibration. I wonder where it'll lead me?
I'd say this year is the first year that I've truly learned about the value of commitment and choice. Where I've learned how fleeting feelings truly are, and that truth, honour, and respect remain. Where I've come to the end of myself. Where I've come to appreciate those around and in front of me. Where I've begun to only trust through the unknown. Trust, that hope will come through in the end.
I'd like to think that this Christmas means for me all of these things that I've experienced through the ups and downs of the year that has been.
The posturing of the heart (in spite of how I feel), the planning and preparation (of what it is in my power to do), the impeccable alignment of exact situational conditions (that I just could never control), and the recognition of the surreal perfection of the moment (for me to act).
In so doing, I am believing that it is faith, love and hope that will prevail, no matter the outcome.
That's Christmas to me.
As I sit here in my room listening to a mix of PTX and the afternoon monsoon rain streaming down the window, I can't help but think about what a year it's been. and how I've arrived here in this crazy journey.
What was I doing at this time last year? Let's see. 41X would've just ended marking the two biggest years of my HG growth. I would've had just attended the HG Christmas Party that coincided with the last day of my resignation. Would've been handing out cards at the Christmas Party and giving/receiving well wishes. Would've been wondering about the uncertainty of what was to come. I vaguely recall skyping with NL about a couple projects in Malaysia. I recall there was a sense of excitement, anticipation, and expectation. The office had been secured, and was about to be fitted out (with our crazy fitout design). We were on our way up, and it was exciting.
Fast forward one year, and we find ourselves in a place probably different from what we were expecting. Ups and downs. Wins and losses. Agreements and disagreements. Choices presented and decisions made. It hasn't been easy by any measure, but I am so thankful that we've remained steady through our episodes of difficulty, and (for the most part) channeled this into growth and development. I actually think at some point, though I'm not quite sure when, we transitioned to the next phase in our growth on so many levels. There is now a team - and through our ups and downs it feels like we are all learning together. As a collective, but also at a personal level.
I suppose one of the biggest things, though it'll probably be hard to properly describe, is the working out and testing of idea(l)s and possibilities against commercial realities and relational intricacies - both at a project level and at an organizational level. The biggest thing this year has probably been learning (the hard way) what this looks like. Looking back, there has been so much that has come from us just feeling our way through new and uncertain situations, and dealing with the emergent outcomes.
When I stop, pause, and just take stock of all the milestones and new opportunities presented I can't help but think how blessed we are to be in this situation. At the same time, I am just as intrigued by how all of this must somehow be part of a bigger story unraveling through all of our individual stories.
Personally, and relationally, it's been a big growth year coming off a couple of tough ones. It's funny how much you learn about yourself by just putting yourself out there. This year feels like it's been the culmination of a long season of breaking, healing, and acceptance, and through this so much self-discovery has come of it. I've become younger and matured perhaps at the same time, intensified and mellowed simultaneously, all in the process of coming closer to becoming whole. There's still a long way to go, but trajectory-wise I just start to feel that much of the realignment has just taken place. Calibration. I wonder where it'll lead me?
I'd say this year is the first year that I've truly learned about the value of commitment and choice. Where I've learned how fleeting feelings truly are, and that truth, honour, and respect remain. Where I've come to the end of myself. Where I've come to appreciate those around and in front of me. Where I've begun to only trust through the unknown. Trust, that hope will come through in the end.
I'd like to think that this Christmas means for me all of these things that I've experienced through the ups and downs of the year that has been.
The posturing of the heart (in spite of how I feel), the planning and preparation (of what it is in my power to do), the impeccable alignment of exact situational conditions (that I just could never control), and the recognition of the surreal perfection of the moment (for me to act).
In so doing, I am believing that it is faith, love and hope that will prevail, no matter the outcome.
That's Christmas to me.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
That will be me
Hang on, just hang on for a minute
I've got something to say
I'm not asking you to move on or forget it
But these are better days
To be wrong all along and admit it, is not amazing grace
But to be loved like a song you remember
Even when you've changed
Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me
When you're lost you will toss every lucky coin you'll ever trust
And you'll hide from your God like he ever turns his back on us
And you will fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife
And you'll learn who you are even if it doesn't take your life
Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me
But I want you to know that you'll never be alone
I wanna believe, do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet
When you fall I will get you on your feet
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that's what you've seen, that will be me
That will be me, that will be me
That will be me
I've got something to say
I'm not asking you to move on or forget it
But these are better days
To be wrong all along and admit it, is not amazing grace
But to be loved like a song you remember
Even when you've changed
Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me
When you're lost you will toss every lucky coin you'll ever trust
And you'll hide from your God like he ever turns his back on us
And you will fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife
And you'll learn who you are even if it doesn't take your life
Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me
But I want you to know that you'll never be alone
I wanna believe, do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet
When you fall I will get you on your feet
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that's what you've seen, that will be me
That will be me, that will be me
That will be me
Monday, February 11, 2013
hey you
I believe(d) in you
and though you've given me every opportunity to stop
I'd like to believe that I still do
and though you've given me every opportunity to stop
I'd like to believe that I still do
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Hi?
I see and and I realise just how important communication is.
even if it may be a little awkward. even when there is stuff said that isn't a hundred percent thought through. even when feelings are hurt and toes are stepped on. even when there is or isn't an inclination to talk. even if it makes you squirm and cringe and hide in a hole. even if it becomes a shouting match and comes to blows.
through all of that yuck stuff
you still might get through somehow (one in a gazillionmillionzillion chance or not)
at least then, with hope held and grace given, there's a way over the wall somehow.
even if it may be a little awkward. even when there is stuff said that isn't a hundred percent thought through. even when feelings are hurt and toes are stepped on. even when there is or isn't an inclination to talk. even if it makes you squirm and cringe and hide in a hole. even if it becomes a shouting match and comes to blows.
through all of that yuck stuff
you still might get through somehow (one in a gazillionmillionzillion chance or not)
at least then, with hope held and grace given, there's a way over the wall somehow.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Feelings
i'm sorry.
for being all over the place. for being a know-it-all who doesn't actually understand. for being a selfish, self-obsessed, self-seeking ego-maniac. for being an enigmatic hot/cold question mark. for being a brick wall.
i feel like a big ball of feelings wrapped in tin foil - insulated from the world.
as i once again find myself at the brink of learning what it means to invest oneself into feelings and emotions i concede that truly i know not much at all when it comes to controlling my emotions to be at what is a supposed 'healthy' level. I am either zero or hero. zilch or 110 percent. choosing either to have my feet shackled to an iron ball or jump off a plane with no chute. i find myself hopelessly oscillating between.
i remember a time however when i didn't 'know better'. when i cared for whom i called family and friend and could, would, tear at the mere thought of losing any of either. when it was all genuine. real. innocent. emotion. when i really did care.
and is it true that no longer do? is this what 'growing up' does to you? is this what 'maturity' does to you? is this what common sense, masquerading as 'being wise', does to you? rational, logical thought, being absolute, always trumping irrational, illogical emotion? supposedly so that you'd be 'better off' i suppose. for your own good. own good? but is it really about having it good or being real? increasingly i find with much emptiness that i have subconsciously turned away from the latter to chase a false sense of the former.
that i have identified so deeply with the pain that i am now desensitised to allowing emotion whatsoever. is it true that through the grief and the wounds i chose to give up on humanity altogether? that at the same time i turned away from facing unbearable pain i condemned also the capacity to truly care?
the feelings that once consumed me have become so foreign. at least, outwardly.
so now it is either not there, or just plain awkward to other people.
but here's the first step to being real. This. right here. i know my usual expressions end up being woefully (and frustratingly) cryptic. but here and now i shall try to be honest. at least. this is what i really think. here i am realising that i don't know the answer. i am conceding that i'm pretty hopeless at this stuff. I am frustrated. I am somewhat confused. and, at the end of the day, i concede that i'm not all that good. at least not as good as i think i am or want to be.
and while i find it easier to share the deepest darkest with my Creator, i realise now that i am not alone. and that in my inward outpouring of raw emotion i do nothing to express them to anyone else or allow anyone in. that my hyperactive thought life serves to further isolate myself from the world rather than include. which frustrates me even more when i feel no one else understands (and when they really don't because they really can't).
frustrating for others who care and want to care, frustrating for me when i do care wholeheartedly (but those i do care for don't get that i do).
where to from here then? again, to be honest, i don't actually know. nothing definitive, at least. i'm guessing though it has to do with starting to be honest with myself.
and here and now i'll say, i want to try.
try to remember to be real. and comfortable in my own skin. to truly care, truly feel, truly love.
to realise that in my self abandonment to overcome the pain i accidentally condemned also my capacity to love altogether.and i'm not going to put on this farce image of all things good though i do believe i have been forgiven, and believe that His grace is truly enough for me.
I'd like to be real.
because with grace enough there is nothing to hide.
for being all over the place. for being a know-it-all who doesn't actually understand. for being a selfish, self-obsessed, self-seeking ego-maniac. for being an enigmatic hot/cold question mark. for being a brick wall.
i feel like a big ball of feelings wrapped in tin foil - insulated from the world.
as i once again find myself at the brink of learning what it means to invest oneself into feelings and emotions i concede that truly i know not much at all when it comes to controlling my emotions to be at what is a supposed 'healthy' level. I am either zero or hero. zilch or 110 percent. choosing either to have my feet shackled to an iron ball or jump off a plane with no chute. i find myself hopelessly oscillating between.
i remember a time however when i didn't 'know better'. when i cared for whom i called family and friend and could, would, tear at the mere thought of losing any of either. when it was all genuine. real. innocent. emotion. when i really did care.
and is it true that no longer do? is this what 'growing up' does to you? is this what 'maturity' does to you? is this what common sense, masquerading as 'being wise', does to you? rational, logical thought, being absolute, always trumping irrational, illogical emotion? supposedly so that you'd be 'better off' i suppose. for your own good. own good? but is it really about having it good or being real? increasingly i find with much emptiness that i have subconsciously turned away from the latter to chase a false sense of the former.
that i have identified so deeply with the pain that i am now desensitised to allowing emotion whatsoever. is it true that through the grief and the wounds i chose to give up on humanity altogether? that at the same time i turned away from facing unbearable pain i condemned also the capacity to truly care?
the feelings that once consumed me have become so foreign. at least, outwardly.
so now it is either not there, or just plain awkward to other people.
but here's the first step to being real. This. right here. i know my usual expressions end up being woefully (and frustratingly) cryptic. but here and now i shall try to be honest. at least. this is what i really think. here i am realising that i don't know the answer. i am conceding that i'm pretty hopeless at this stuff. I am frustrated. I am somewhat confused. and, at the end of the day, i concede that i'm not all that good. at least not as good as i think i am or want to be.
and while i find it easier to share the deepest darkest with my Creator, i realise now that i am not alone. and that in my inward outpouring of raw emotion i do nothing to express them to anyone else or allow anyone in. that my hyperactive thought life serves to further isolate myself from the world rather than include. which frustrates me even more when i feel no one else understands (and when they really don't because they really can't).
frustrating for others who care and want to care, frustrating for me when i do care wholeheartedly (but those i do care for don't get that i do).
where to from here then? again, to be honest, i don't actually know. nothing definitive, at least. i'm guessing though it has to do with starting to be honest with myself.
and here and now i'll say, i want to try.
try to remember to be real. and comfortable in my own skin. to truly care, truly feel, truly love.
to realise that in my self abandonment to overcome the pain i accidentally condemned also my capacity to love altogether.and i'm not going to put on this farce image of all things good though i do believe i have been forgiven, and believe that His grace is truly enough for me.
I'd like to be real.
because with grace enough there is nothing to hide.
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