i do think that a large part of my discontent does lie in the inability to express stuff.
yes i struggle to express what i do feel inside. and i cannot say for certain that it is the inability to say what i can think - because then if i am able to think it there is a degree of comprehension. and i cannot deny that there is a lot more going on than that. i am still figuring it out. trying to understand how i am wired. how my own head works. yeah, sure it is perhaps a fairly impossible task to attempt to fully comprehend exactly how you would think, process, analyze, understand. but it does hint a little at how you can manage yourself a little better. and while i do think very random thoughts that are not at all conceivably purposeful, there are also times that such random, formless thoughts hint at something perhaps a little deeper. occasionally these initiate as vague images that slowly get clearer and more precise with more digging and refining. still. more often than not some visions are simply induced by something from the heart. motivated by not just cognition but something that simply cannot be defined - just understood.
is there frustration? sure. and i also realize how there is an obsession, almost a stubborn refusal to actively pursue anything that is devoid of purpose stemming from what comes from inside. and (un)fortunately so, there is no other cure to the inside (this heart condition) apart from that which is relational. I count this as both good and bad, because at the same time that i am continually disappointed with others I also continually find myself confronted with no other solution than the One.
and it is a cycle. where this detestable hollowness stems from i do not know. it is both a sense of lack and of purposelessness that screams for all of my attention. and you then flit between trying to cope with the unbearable pain of walking around with knife in your chest and the absolute numbness to anything in existence. but to attempt to co-relate reality with the subconscious and the indefinable is to me the real struggle. a struggle that i do think we are meant to have, in order to understand just a little bit more about a greater purpose than the comparatively temporal ones we face everyday. To not have an underpinning of a greater purpose not bound by time and human understanding would be to affirm meaninglessness altogether because then there is no forever. Personally, I do view it as three main things to simultaneously reconcile - God, myself, and other people. the medium for this reconciliation? relationships. and with being relational comes a host of other things to consider. intimacy. trust. forgiveness. and love.
and how difficult it is to define these things. to express in entirety. to balance between God and other people. and how we cannot live without love, even with the consideration of the endurance of pain and suffering and sacrifice that comes with it. in spite of it all, we are made for it.
the image of love in its finest is Jesus.
so if everything we do - every thought we think, every word we speak, every battle we fight
we do in/with love
maybe that's the only expression we need.
