remember.

i have a feeling this is going to be a long post. i have the randomly blurtoutstuff feeling coming over me.

for all the times ive failed and not tried hard enough. i'm sorry.


i suppose im just beginning to understand myself a little bit better. you know how when who you think you are to other people, and what they actually think of you is different? haha. you know most times guys don't really care or think its possible (male ego) but it is. ok i wont be nasty and call it 'male' ego because it happens, for everyone. sometimes.

id like to know more. understand better. grow closer. teach me, please. just what it means to be faithful.

i cant understand it and i cant put a finger on it. some may think im delusional. some reckon its passion. but passion about what? i suppose one thing id ask is in this socalledpassion - is there any sense of joy? a sense of hope? or do i sense hypocrisy. or 'duty'. because we're supposed to.
You see through it all. please help me claim my heart for You.

on another note, ive also been highly impulsive, irritable, and probably alot more highly strung than usual. im not really one for mood swings, but id call this one a mood swing. haha. a pinch of rebellion in the mix of sillystuff.

some call it emo. hahahaha.
im sorry. but i am, on the odd occasion.

that, coupled with the very potent getting too far ahead of myself syndrome. i have all these silly thoughts and my imagination works double triple time in enticing my heart into things that i think would be excellent if i had in my life. covet covet covet. thats all i ever do.

working on it. along with pride, self-centredness, self-righteousness, idolatry, etc and everything else in between. its funny that to a certain extent - there is some kind of self-hatred, ok i wont call it hatred because thats too strong a word. but like disappointment and discontent and um. maybe yeah theres actually stuff about me that i dislike(or even hate)? i wonder if a healthy dosage of this actually contributes to identifying the sinful nature and dealing with it. like i said before, when i feel convicted - i really do feel like a convict. like i should be thrown in jail and punished etc. but again i say a 'healthy dosage'. i hate the sin that is in me. but i treasure every sinew of life and goodness that Jesus has breathed into this hopeless shell.

you know when theres stuff to lay down. at the foot of the cross. you could lay down hopes, dreams, desires. even good things. anything that would come between.

please help me find my heart.

i dont know where it is right now. i dont feel it much these days. but id like to lay that down. because i lose it sometimes.

but i know You wont.

Thank You.

mmmmmm thats what im talkin about!

me, dad, mom and a cheekylilboy (my youngest cousin!)

caught!

it's good to be back. even if just for a little while. :)

much has changed. yet not really.

family, family, family.

what will i do without family.

close friends, it's always great to catchup. hearing how our stories have unfolded, and will unfold.

i feel really fortunate.

i feel really blessed!

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

iam

made new.

suddenly

I'd like everyone to know.

This morning, i woke up.

yeah.

i woke up!

:)

(everyone must be whattheee. hahaha. but you don't get it. you see, i woke up! haha. but He gets it ;) )

toys r us kid

Actually, the more i think about it, I think i'm still sucha kid.
nonsense with the whole 'mature thinking' and 'career advancement'.

one thing i've realised though, is that miraculously (with some of His help), i can get along with kids and adults or mature kids and kiddy-adults... of all ages.

Someone else pointed that out... i never really realised that. but then again, i don't notice many things. but the moment i say 'oh i can adapt to anyone' i bet you the really difficult characters will start to appear. i betcha. hahahahaha. (never own yourself with sweeping statements)

someone else (again) was talking about marraige. G O O D gollymissmolly! marraige? nandayo. i'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off. although my peers will prob get there very soon, one by one. i'd like to attend a few weddings (hint). The last time i went for one i was no taller than the big long classroom ruler.

it's funny how everyone in class once voted i'd be the first guy to get married.

Then again, i'm not mister i-cant-commit like george clooney. remember? i adapt.

HAHA! i'm so gonna own myself now.

houston, we have liftoff

So many things to do.. so little time. But that always seems to be the case eh? :)

I always seem to be caught nowadays with i wannadothis i wannadothat and then i have to prioritise because there just aren't enough hours in a day to do allofthis andthat. I've never been a bigfan of to do lists but anyone who has seen my dailycalendar planner (one for home, one for work) knows that I have big to-do's and deadlines and events and exciting things circled at least a couple weeks ahead. It feels good to know what's ahead. but then again.

Goodness, 18 months ago, I (believe i) was still just going through each day a day at a time, not knowing what was going on or was going to happen a couple hours later, let alone the next day. I never knew what to expect. What was around the corner. What job I would have. What future I would have. What would happen if I didn’t pass my exams(!). What dinner I would have (that night) (kok? I used to like kok. A lot.). Super flexible, super unplanned, super spontaneous.

Super exciting.

Just the way i like it.

Sometimes I miss living like that. Suo wei, ‘let tmr worry about itself, each day has enough trouble of it’s own’, and really leaving the future to Him, in trust that He will provide. And He has! Indeed how faithful is our God.

Hmmm. Just before everyone throws their hands in the air (along with everything they were doing), point to ponder; ‘God’s sovereignty, Man’s responsibility’. I mean there are OBVIOUS things. Like being very obviously lazy w/o any sense of self control. And expecting things to turn out good. Like if you don’t show up for your 70% final presentation and then expect to pass. Like what the. Hahaha. But then again, I’m not saying that’s not possible (because with God, everything’s possible) but how does that grow us? How does that make us more like Christ? What kind of lesson will we learn from it (apart from failing, and the consequences that follow which then drive us to learn from our mistakes, so that we won’t be lazy next time!)

But then you also can’t just be lazy and not plan ahead as well. We do plan, strategise, and make the necessary preparations (best we can). In order to do this though, in order to have balance, and knowing what is wasteoftime and what is veryproductive, you often need to have a long term goal / purpose in place. So I had a good (although quick) think of what these could be!

Longest term (Lifetime) Goal / Purpose:
To be shaped and moulded by Him by seeking and walking closely with Him, to become more like His Son. (continuous, both active and passive)

Long term (manymany years) Goal / Purpose:
To learn what it means to:
1) Be a man after God’s own heart
2) Be as a weaned child
3) Have faith the size of a mustard seed
4) Be as broken bread and poured out wine
5) Be dead to sin, and alive in Christ

There are more, but then I realised that the 5 long term ones are just a bit of a detailed breakdown of the longest term one. Hahaha! Still, just by themselves, none of the 5 are easy at all. The surrender involved is unbelievable / unthinkable because when we surrender we are called to surrender all aren’t we? Although it’ll be bit by bit, I wonder when we can say ‘here I am, totally surrendered to You’.

Getting there, getting there.

Still, there are plenty of things that I would like to do. Don’t be surprised that most of these are general hobbies/interests/self-improvement. The older you get the harder it is to accommodate more short term goals / commitments!

1) become more grounded in the Word.

There’s no substitute. No substitute at all for living, breathing Word. It’s what sparked the conviction in my heart. It’s what spoke life into my soul. There’s no substitute. LE calls it ‘the map’. Quite fitting, since it is the lamp to my feet and light to my path. To hide it in my heart, to turn to the absolute Truth in times of destitution, to rejoice in thanksgiving just as the Psalmists did, there’s nothing like it. That’s why it’s the living Word. And, to learn to wield it as a double-edged sword.

2) pray more for the people.

This ties in with another short term goal below. To open up and expand the reach and breadth of speaking the name of Jesus into the lives of others, rather than praying prayers focused on self. Learning to shift the focus of prayer, and becoming Kingdom-focused rather than self-focused. I realise that the effects of a healthy prayer life reach far beyond just that half-hour or 2 mins that you were praying. It really changes even the way you interact and view people you meet everyday. Seeing the things of God, in people, and not what the world has shaped them to be. But the goodness in each of their hearts.

3) get good at basketball.

I got invited to play in a league game last night and it was exhilarating. I mean I was really nervous. Like reallyreally nervous. 1st game jitters (we played the top team in the league that night). I came off the bench and played sparingly here and there. I didn’t score (took one shot) and looked to pass, rebound and play lockdown D. No dunks in the game though there were dudes who could (only post-game, for fun) but we put in a good effort although we lost 30-40.

Crap, I wanna run like leandro barbosa and have hops like jordan farmar SO BAD. Time to train like mad. And I mean, crazymad. Like, riphamilton-mad.
Not Dwight Howard mad, because that one too crazy already. But benjibonji can go for that. J haha. Halfway there already anyway right ben? (as ben flexes his guns)

I realise though, that the only way for me to compete (and be effective) is to be as quick as a mouse (leandro) and not have biceps of steel, but rather, lungs of steel. Yes, not biceps. Or even quads. lungs. If you can outrun everyone, and be as quick as you are at end after playing the whole game as you were when the game started, you’ll be a nightmare to guard. And no one will want to (or can) guard you. Hehehe. Lotsa running to do, lotsa running. Sure, strong biceps and quads help too. So why not. Which leads me to…

4) get in shape.

Now when I mean ‘in shape’ I don’t mean like rain kinda ripped (stesh! haha) but in shape to me means that I am able to do what set out to do above in 3). Crap…That’s… actually kinda HARDER than getting to look like rain. But I figure that by the time I get to be able to do what I want to do in 3), then… yeah. Haha!

5) buy a gazillion things.

I shall just generalise all the things I want to get (which is an exhaustive list) into the word ‘gazillion’. BUT. I shall (redeem myself) and reason that most of these items are stepping stones that will allow me to pursue other interests! Hehehehehehe. All I can say is, I hope that I’ll be able to manage my money wisely. Sure we want a lot of things. But we really don’t need all of these things. Just because something’s a teeny bit better over something you’ve got (but they do the same thing pretty much) doesn’t justify buying it. Haha. (although most of the time, it's really is a question of getting something better(or not getting it) with me. like furniture. how can you not like furniture!?) There are 3 main items that I’m quite set on buying. It just depends how much I spend on each and how topoftherange or entrylevel I go with each. I’ve already given away what one of the items are on one of my previous blog entries (sortof). The other two… lets just say all of them need heckuvalota PRACTICE. and time, for that matter. Which, interestingly and coincidentally enough, brings us back to the first line of this blog entry.

So many things to do.. so little time. But that always seems to be the case eh? :)

Be good all!

Hosea 1:2

but through words unsaid, therein lies the truth.


Can you imagine what Hosea must have felt when God asked him to propose to a prostitute? The Lord instructed him to marry Gomer, a harlot, in order to illustrate the spiritual adultery Israel had commited against God. The Hebrews had been unfaithful to God and pursued other gods, just as a harlot joins herself to several men. What a request!

Leadership is about sacrifice. It means giving up personal options in order to guide to people to where they need to go. Hosea made several sacrifices in his leadership:

1. He was asked to marry a prostitute.
2. He was asked to lead in a time of rebellion.
3. He was given a very unpopular message.
4. He was told to have children despite an absentee wife.
5. He was committed to remain poised under harsh demands.
6. He was instructed to live faithfully and consistently in a volatile situation.

Leaders lose their right to selfishness. They must take into account the lives of others when making decisions. They must say what the people need to hear, not nearly what they want to hear. They must guide the people to where they ought to go, not necessarily where they desire to go. Could this explain why we have so few good leaders?

- John Maxwell


Hosea 2:19-20

"I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me
In righteousness and justice,
In lovingkindness and mercy;
I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,
And you shall know the Lord."



Psalm 94:12-13

Blessed is the man whom You instruct, O Lord,
And teach out of Your law,
That You may give him rest from the days of adversity,
Until the pit is dug for the wicked.



Psalm 103:15-18

As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
And its place remembers it no more.
But the mercy of the Lord
is from everlasting to everlasting
On those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children's children,
To such as keep His covenant,
And to those who remember His
commandments to do them.


Your Word never fails