Feelings

i'm sorry.

for being all over the place. for being a know-it-all who doesn't actually understand. for being a selfish, self-obsessed, self-seeking ego-maniac. for being an enigmatic hot/cold question mark. for being a brick wall.

i feel like a big ball of feelings wrapped in tin foil - insulated from the world.

as i once again find myself at the brink of learning what it means to invest oneself into feelings and emotions i concede that truly i know not much at all when it comes to controlling my emotions to be at what is a supposed 'healthy' level. I am either zero or hero. zilch or 110 percent. choosing either to have my feet shackled to an iron ball or jump off a plane with no chute. i find myself hopelessly oscillating between.

i remember a time however when i didn't 'know better'. when i cared for whom i called family and friend and could, would, tear at the mere thought of losing any of either. when it was all genuine. real. innocent. emotion. when i really did care.

and is it true that no longer do? is this what 'growing up' does to you? is this what 'maturity' does to you? is this what common sense, masquerading as 'being wise', does to you? rational, logical thought, being absolute, always trumping irrational, illogical emotion? supposedly so that you'd be 'better off' i suppose. for your own good. own good? but is it really about having it good or being real? increasingly i find with much emptiness that i have subconsciously turned away from the latter to chase a false sense of the former.

that i have identified so deeply with the pain that i am now desensitised to allowing emotion whatsoever. is it true that through the grief and the wounds i chose to give up on humanity altogether? that at the same time i turned away from facing unbearable pain i condemned also the capacity to truly care?

the feelings that once consumed me have become so foreign. at least, outwardly.

so now it is either not there, or just plain awkward to other people.

but here's the first step to being real. This. right here. i know my usual expressions end up being woefully (and frustratingly) cryptic. but here and now i shall try to be honest. at least. this is what i really think. here i am realising that i don't know the answer. i am conceding that i'm pretty hopeless at this stuff. I am frustrated. I am somewhat confused. and, at the end of the day, i concede that i'm not all that good. at least not as good as i think i am or want to be.

and while i find it easier to share the deepest darkest with my Creator, i realise now that i am not alone. and that in my inward outpouring of raw emotion i do nothing to express them to anyone else or allow anyone in. that my hyperactive thought life serves to further isolate myself from the world rather than include. which frustrates me even more when i feel no one else understands (and when they really don't because they really can't).

frustrating for others who care and want to care, frustrating for me when i do care wholeheartedly (but those i do care for don't get that i do).

where to from here then? again, to be honest, i don't actually know. nothing definitive, at least. i'm guessing though it has to do with starting to be honest with myself.

and here and now i'll say, i want to try.

try to remember to be real. and comfortable in my own skin. to truly care, truly feel, truly love.

to realise that in my self abandonment to overcome the pain i accidentally condemned also my capacity to love altogether.and i'm not going to put on this farce image of all things good though i do believe i have been forgiven, and believe that His grace is truly enough for me.

I'd like to be real.

because with grace enough there is nothing to hide.

battle scars

it's not how many times you stop. it's the will to start again and keep going.


here's to a new start.

muaahahaha

so here i am.

in the here and now.

God is good, and it has been so long since I felt this close.

Everywhere I turn, Your goodness follows me.

Everywhere I go, Your grace goes before me.

I am humbled by Your love.

So here, now, today

I thank You for everything

Love,
iajl

March 6, 2012

today was the day

i've had six years of bonus time so far

what an incredible six years it has been.

i learned a lot. laughed and cried alot. (yes)

and in the end, only a couple of things matter

thank You so much, and

here's hoping for today, tomorrow, and eternity to come

好吗?

墙上静止的钟是为谁停留
是不是和我一样赖着不走
你说故事已经结束
很久 我忘了　
向前走
我努力假装现在过得很好
现在的你看来已不需要我
也许在不同的时空 还牵着　
你的手
想知道你真的过得好吗
没有我也许是种解脱
将思念穿梭在宇宙数千光年 悄悄到　
你身边
现在我试着习惯一个人过
也许你已经开始新的生活
陪着我的叫做寂寞
陪你的　是谁呢？
想知道你真的过得好吗
没有我也许是种解脱
将思念穿梭在宇宙数千光年
悄悄到　
你身边
现在我试着习惯一个人过
也许你已经开始新的生活
陪着我的叫做寂寞
陪你的　是谁呢？
也许在不同的时空
还牵着　你的手

Hi

Happy valentine's day.

please help me to love You more.

Listen

Every time a public holiday comes around. Or perhaps any out-of-routine day when I find time on my hands, I do think about all the things I could be doing. Spontaneous things. Fun things. Meeting friends. Chilling out. yeah. but at the back of my mind, also cleaning. bills. going through my looooong backlog of things-to-do. To use the day to actually go and do all of them? Rarely does that happen. as procrastination prevails.

But what I really seem to do when such a time comes about, if not anything else, is to just sit. still. and listen.

listen to what's going on around you. listen to what's going on inside you. listen to what He's impressing on your heart.

To remember who you are, where you're going. and what this is all for.

Because once that's clear - everything else falls into place.

Today's cleanup has been exceptionally liberating. Both the state of my room and the state of my mind/heart.

You

for You are beautiful O God
and my lips will sing your praise

Lord I come into Your Holy place
Stand in awe
of your cleansing grace

Who am I
that You would care for me
I glorify
the One who died for me

Glorify
Glorify
Let Your Name be lifted up
and glorified

Let the earth
tremble at Your Name
Let Your Name be lifted up
and glorified

Into Your hands
I commit my life
day by day
as a living sacrifice

Who am I
that You would care for me
I glorify
the One who died for me

and You love us fiercely
with a love everlasting
a love bigger than
a love stronger than
a love greater than

so I praise
so we praise

now we see in part
then we shall see in full

grace enough

it's just sunk in

and sure it hurts

but if grace is an ocean

we're all sinking

and there's no place i'd rather be

Silly

Your mercies are new every morning.