clarity

i realise from that day in church: all along, there has always been a presence

sometimes i mistake that for something else. it all gets quite murky at times, this stuff. but also because it's so raw. it's so piercing. it's so consuming. we all need to be careful with it.

it's difficult to find sometimes. difficult to locate, to remember. it is so much easier just to get by without it - but that would mean barely living. diminishing what could be beautiful because i just couldn't be bothered. it dawns upon me now that perhaps part of the reason i've been so affected by stuff is because i think it's You - when perhaps it's not. or is it?

clarity is something i trying to grasp, in and amongst the thick of it.

no more.

i choose to walk in the light

no matter the scoffers. no matter the pressures. no matter the emptiness.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead"

where you can find me

i realize i need to get used to this.

there have been a lot of hints dropped. subtle things. little messages here and there if you can only filter it out from everything else. and it's not just a question of reading between the lines, but the time spent letting it simmer. letting it all sink in. the processing.

it's like downloading programs of the internet - it ain't useful until it's opened up and installed. not forgetting also learning how to use the program (in collaboration with other programs?) and the time and effort invested into the mastery of it to actually get it to work for you. (haha ok maybe i'm taking this analogy abit too far) still, it's kind of the same thing. trying to hear an unmistakable still small voice despite the noise. collecting the pieces together. reading and meditating on scripture and lessons. building up faith. then actually getting up and off the sofa and living it out.

right now, it's too noisy.

i need to quiet down.

before it breaks

i could listen to this song all day and not get tired of it.

it's an excellent opportunity to learn under N, who is absolutely talented in his craft. SO. the end goal is to get to a certain level under N's guidance by the year's end.

hopefully i won't break :)

how apt, this song. and this post. and this blog. it should be like the theme song or something. geez, talk about contemplation and melancholy. what of having a good memory.