forward

the times when i think:

'why didn't this turn out this way (or that way)'

or

'how could this happen? (to me)'

and

'Can't someone take it all away (take me away from here)'

etc etc etc

but I do realise somehow that all of these questions are linked to how a someone feels (me) and how to remedy a (bad) situation (feeling). and how to deal/get out of it/feeling that way

and yet, it seems I have stopped asking these questions

when it happened I don't really remember

but through all of life's uncertainties and turbulence

there is always one answer

just the one

and from then on, it's not like i don't have questions anymore. but when trust surpasses uncertainty

it is only then that I truly live

Yes

Let's start again,


Jesus

definition

i do think that a large part of my discontent does lie in the inability to express stuff.

yes i struggle to express what i do feel inside. and i cannot say for certain that it is the inability to say what i can think - because then if i am able to think it there is a degree of comprehension. and i cannot deny that there is a lot more going on than that. i am still figuring it out. trying to understand how i am wired. how my own head works. yeah, sure it is perhaps a fairly impossible task to attempt to fully comprehend exactly how you would think, process, analyze, understand. but it does hint a little at how you can manage yourself a little better. and while i do think very random thoughts that are not at all conceivably purposeful, there are also times that such random, formless thoughts hint at something perhaps a little deeper. occasionally these initiate as vague images that slowly get clearer and more precise with more digging and refining. still. more often than not some visions are simply induced by something from the heart. motivated by not just cognition but something that simply cannot be defined - just understood.

is there frustration? sure. and i also realize how there is an obsession, almost a stubborn refusal to actively pursue anything that is devoid of purpose stemming from what comes from inside. and (un)fortunately so, there is no other cure to the inside (this heart condition) apart from that which is relational. I count this as both good and bad, because at the same time that i am continually disappointed with others I also continually find myself confronted with no other solution than the One.

and it is a cycle. where this detestable hollowness stems from i do not know. it is both a sense of lack and of purposelessness that screams for all of my attention. and you then flit between trying to cope with the unbearable pain of walking around with knife in your chest and the absolute numbness to anything in existence. but to attempt to co-relate reality with the subconscious and the indefinable is to me the real struggle. a struggle that i do think we are meant to have, in order to understand just a little bit more about a greater purpose than the comparatively temporal ones we face everyday. To not have an underpinning of a greater purpose not bound by time and human understanding would be to affirm meaninglessness altogether because then there is no forever. Personally, I do view it as three main things to simultaneously reconcile - God, myself, and other people. the medium for this reconciliation? relationships. and with being relational comes a host of other things to consider. intimacy. trust. forgiveness. and love.

and how difficult it is to define these things. to express in entirety. to balance between God and other people. and how we cannot live without love, even with the consideration of the endurance of pain and suffering and sacrifice that comes with it. in spite of it all, we are made for it.

the image of love in its finest is Jesus.

so if everything we do - every thought we think, every word we speak, every battle we fight

we do in/with love

maybe that's the only expression we need.

scars and wounds

suddenly i remember why

I put myself to death

All of sudden auntie M's words come to mind, it was when she picked me that evening out of the crowd - I couldn't answer. Perhaps because I didn't know, know. not for certain, at least.

I once did know.

and now I remember

because there is much much much more than this

pride and joy

Time of day i can't recall
The kind of thing that takes it's toll
Over years and over time
Over smiles and over wine
All in all it wasn't bad
All in all it wasn't good
But i still care
That's the problem with the days
They're never long enough to say
What it is you never said
All the books you never read
I throw myself into the wind
Hoping somebody will pick me up
And carry me again

Where are you now
Do you let me down
Do you make me grieve for you
Do i make you proud
Do you get me now
Am i your pride and joy
I believe this to be true
Nothing sacred nothing new
No one tells you when its time
There are no warnings only signs
And you know that you're alone
You're not a child anymore
But you're still scared
All your mountains turn to rocks
All your oceans turn to drops
They are nothing like you thought
Can't be something you are not
Life is not a looking glass
Don't get tangled in your past
Like i am learning not to

Where are you now
Do you let me down
Do you make me grieve for you
Do i make you proud
Do you get me now
Am i your pride joy



I know i shouldn't listen to too much BC.

but i can't help it

indelible

i went for a walk today.

it was a beautiful day. temperature was oh just right. like a cool singapore day without the humidity. it was pretty random, but i just got up and walked out the door in the middle of doing something else. didn't bother dressing up (not that i do), didn't say anything. just put on them slippers (!) and walked.

naturally, i thought a lot. and i prayed a lot. i asked God a lot and i remembered a lot.

as i walked past the many faces - i couldn't help but remember again that there are countless stories going on, all at the very same time. all concurrent, many interwoven. and then i can't help but think how big God's heart must be to love us all.

but also, for the first time in a long time, there was a familiar sense of displacement. the recollection that while i am not my own, i am also somebody. not a lifeless generic yes yes toy tossed about and around by the turbulence of life, but having a will of my own. crafted uniquely for a purpose. but having an option to choose. a hope to believe in. and something to fight for.

their stories are not my story. and where they intertwine, they'll form part of it for a time and a season. but there is still a distinction. come a time, there is still a choice to be made. A conscious unwavering will to stand firm for faith and for hope and for love. no one's going to make that choice on my behalf. nor is it going to be the default. i realize and remember that it is only I who can decide.

and so i choose.

beautiful

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

there is so much in this world that we fail to grasp
fail to see, fail to listen, understand and comprehend
and perhaps, we don't want to?

there is something in the realization of an end
the sudden awareness of vulnerability, pain, and hopelessness
that births a longing for redemption
and an abandonment of self to hope

when I've seen, no, known by faith that there is more
how can i be passive, how can i be still
where then
is the man whose heart is tender towards You?
but out of the dust and the ashes
You do make something beautiful

as You have desired for this world and Your people

and as I lose myself in You

and You make me new

to love just like You do

today

what an afternoon.

I think there was more that happened in the span of 30 mins than there has been for the last 6 months. and it has been that long overdue. while i vaguely remember moments and snippets of yesteryear - all that matters and remains constant is the currency of Your love throughout. Your love that saved me from it all. Your love that saved me from myself.

whole

Your love swallows me whole

there is no space to hide from it

no will to stand against it

and yet in the moment

of glorious surrender

You make me whole again

have Your way

smile

amidst the intensity of the days, there's a place and a space sometimes that helps me smile

what a satisfying day

thank You

:)

woohoo

things are starting to settle.

i know this won't last for very long, but at the moment - it's awesome.

i suppose you can't hope for better. and at the same time, you want to make the most of it. as my mind begins once again to (want to) unravel mysteries, solve puzzles and question (reality), there is a subtle sense of destiny, of purpose. of something almost coaxing me forward.

what's actually on the cards, i do not know. and I'm not sure I want to know. but what i wanna do is be patient.

today was a really pleasant surplise. it started out glum. rainy outside, all the signs of warm snuggie idunwannagetouttabed written all over. but somehow i dragged myself out and into it. and as i sit here at the end of the day thinkin about the stuff that's happened (or not happened due to procrastination), I can't help but think that I really did enjoy my day.

maybe it's the relational aspect of things. the sense of working with others, that we're all in this together. the learning about each other and learning together. the engagement, the discussions, the buryingfaceinhands and the numerous woohoos heard about the office. the random out of tune whistling here and there (not from the gents)

i guess i'm actually having fun.

and when work = fun, maybe dragging yourself outta bed on a ijustwannasleep day isn't so bad after all. (plus thanks for rainbow)

and then

there's tomorrow again

thanks for today

woohoo

day x

just every so often, something happens that startles you.

and then you wake up, wondering where time went and not knowing how long you've been asleep.

and surely, it has been some time.



get going - i think. but yet i know what's really happened is the realization of much more.

i have to do this, i have to do that. learn this, that. unlearn this one, that one. and what about all the rest? and at the end of the day, would any of it matter?

when will good enough be good enough?

yet surely only one thing stands


and before anything happens

the one that i really need



is faith


in no one else but You

its time.

it's time.

ive been biding for way too long, and sidetracked far too often along the way.

the pieces are here and there, and yet have never come together

so they shall

now they shall

because it's time.

dreams

i always talk about more than this.

and yet how i forget that from time to time.
the things that are important, and the things that are not.

reality versus dreams
drama versus romance
me versus 'me'

and yet, the last shall be first

so how do we laugh again?

its dark outside

apparently, i don't really update too often. haha. im so funny.

and yet, i sometimes feel like i need this. maybe not quite always in this form, but there's something about the writingdown of our lives that we become subtly aware of a bigger story at hand. at times, i find myself oddly contemplative. and there's nothing quite like organizing all that mishmash in my head through pen and paper. or in this case, er, keyboard and fingers? i also think it helps my sanity. yeah. um, yeah.

i like stories. and i like writing stories, just as much as i like telling them. i also find typing somewhat therapeutic. ok, so i also like to play that how-fast-how-accurate you can type game though im not much good at it. i suddenly also remember that there's some kinda disorder you can get from typing on a pc keyboard right!? (although with the number of posts here i know im not even close plus i dont use msn or any chatting thing) i digress.

speaking of storytelling, i also remember a couple other points that others close to me have brought up about me telling stories (often at an ocf-type event maybe?) that i (should) have to take note of. ehhemm.

supposedly i tend to:
a)use big words alot when im seriously describing something
b)make things sound more complex than actuality (erm trying to sound smart?)
c)sound like a politician even when talking to friends (politically correct?)
d)sound like a narrator for a pre-recorded message (especially when i pray apparently)
e)occasionally switch into some weird-odd-accent or intonations for some words only (well surely i dont sound aussie?)

true, no? haha i actually don't know but this is what others have told me :) and i trust them so i believe them! anyway, i digress.

I increasingly find that often there's something in there thats really seeking some form of expression. i suppose expression can be in various forms, with writing but one of them. i think of K every so often when it comes to writing because i really respect her ability to have her way with words. i also look at someone like C or JM with an ability to channel deepstuff into beautiful creative outlets through song and music, or B through dance, J through art.. so on and so forth. if only.. ok im starting to wander off again thinking of all the people and their creative gifts that inspire me. see this is why this writingstuff is good for me too. it helps me practice keeping track of my thought progression - to catch myself whenever i wander off. which is often. and also to sum things up together in light of the bigger picture. thats how i work, thats how im wired. I find myself constantly thinking, organising, clarifying in my head - the way you organise clutter, and align/assemble other trains of thought according to purpose. this occasionally does get the better of me, especially since thoughts are invariably linked to and susceptible to emotions. this probably also explains how certain extreme conditions/circumstances (such as architorture thesis!) have led me to previously experience perhaps what would best be described as a manic state. i couldnt shut down - couldnt stop asking/organising/dissecting in my head even at the point of bodily exhaustion. the human mind is an incredible thing, yet to what purpose do we put all this thinking to? I guess the point of all this thinking/typing so far is to think about how i think and what i think about, and in light of that to think about what all this thinking is for.

yet all this thinking can't compare to understanding with heart.

details with our heads, yet story with our hearts.

maybe im onto something here.

a new song

there is a strong mark of something greater

so here i am to listen