SOTONG KIA.

there was a boy.

who didnt know. just what its like, to be out there.

you know, generally i like to talk about life. i also love to read about life. about the lives of others. i marvel at how people kinda list the things they did throughout the day - but yet still make it remarkably interesting - almost exciting to read about and dream about. or maybe to just make you take note and an interest in.

lately ive been finding it rather difficult to put anything down in words. like this blog entry, for example. its not there isnt anything to write about. more so, it seems like everyday i have agazziliontrillion thoughts that whizz through my head - too much - maybe my fingers lack the dexterity to keep up. i realise i also type real slow. (i love watching others who type real quick, its almost entertaining! like wen, WAH so fast! ) that's an excuse, really. some things i cant bring myself to let out. my sense of privacy (that i strongly deny) getting the better (of me).

in part, it's this. maybe when someone is already so public with most of his life - there are the little bits of privacy that he clings onto. like if everything's out in the open, then there's nothing mysterious already. hahahaha. no la i really don't think like that. in the end, my main point is not about retaining any sense of secrecy or mystery about myself. (though ive once been told that girls esp those who a lil sense of mystery in their taste in men hahahahaha mysterious = cool mah! badboyimage )

rather, ive grown to realise over the years that there is another thing about not knowing everything, in that it ties in with some of the marvelous plans of tremendous blessing. God's ways, in some sense, i really marvel at. because there is a great deal of diving into the unknown. to abandon almost all sense of rationality and dwelve into whats often a greatbig questionmark. in the little glimpses and revelations of aGreatsecretPlan unfolding, we, by His grace, end up blessed beyong measure when we suddenly come to realise just a little bit what God's heart is like, in what He has planned for us.

So maybe there are only two things that can be certain. 1) the certainty of uncertainty 2) The certainty of God's presence and His unfailing love. the concept of trusting only in faith. in a love that outshines and eclipses all other forms and sources of insecurity that also comes with uncertainty. In some sense, maybe if our futures were certain; if i knew for sure where i'd be exactly in 10 years. 20 years, i'd be much less insecure (than i am now). but we never really know for sure, do we?

the uncertainties of the future ARE scary. (because its not certain?) but still, i am challenged to abandon even my own perceptions and reasoning when it comes to my future - and to trust in His ways. simply because i TRUST that God knows, better!

i'd rather people not know about certain things. most things can. but certain things not that cannot, but its better not to. the most (maybe) frustrating thing in being so much enigmatic is because of. well, is because its not that you DONT want to tell, but by telling you kinda spoil the secret? haha. In that sense, i do look forward to finally finding out, when i am with Him in paradise, what God intended in His purposes behind His greatsecretplan. maybe in that light, some secrets are kept not in the luxury or purpose of maintaining your own privacy - but rather for the greatergood and blessing of others - partofa plan in your heart, in love, to bless another. and that being the goal - above all other things. because really, im not sure if love is giving in always, and having all the answers. but come a specific time, when its ripe/right, the person comes to find out truth behind the secret - and most times, by himself/herself. then the truth (and the secret) will be all the more so much more meaningful, and speak powerfully into the person's life in tremendous blessing. and sometimes, isn't that how God is with us?

that being said, there is one thing i will make fairly obvious that i CANNOT keep a secret. and that is that Jesus loves us so. :) that is, by no means (worldlyphysicalorspiritualorinanysense) a secret. because He has even written it in the very fabric of reality. a truth that i cannot keep in because everyone needs to know.

i like secrets. haha.

to most, i'd simply be grateful if you viewed me as blur. like sotong. :)