all the hidden posts.

the funny thing is.

i sometimes write an angsty blog post to vent some kinda frustration. i don't think i'm a complain-king, but perhaps some kind of worry-wart. whichever, i'm often thinking toomuch for my own good. haha. interestingly enough, however, i'm never able to actually publish such posts after i write them, because after i read (and re-read. and re-read) such posts i always feel that they're unsuitable to be posted for alltosee. so i scrap them.

not that i'm afraid that anyone will go '!! actually iajl is so emo' or anything like that. nor is it hesitation to show some form of vulnerability, although that's sometimes good. mayhap, it's more like - is there a point in it? it certainly doesn't make me feel better. but i don't even think feeling better is the point. the problem lies much deeper than that and self-consolation hardly scratches the surface. it's more than an interesting read. it's immensely private heartstuff.

hahaha. one thing which is good about it though, is that in reading and re-reading what you've written, you sometime's understand and get to know yourself just a little bit better. such that when you go nuts and write a realemo/angry post while you're still seething at the teeth, then you walk away for awhile have a cuppa and sit down for 10mins, and then come back and read what you've written - you sometimes stare blankly at the screen and go 'wah is that really me?' sometimes?

the balance between 'who i am' and 'who i want to be'. I hope and pray that these tie in with 'who He wants me to be'.

I sometimes wonder that in 'shining the light' are you constantly aware of the people around you? the people who are watching? i'm not sure, really. leading a life that exemplifies. we try hard, and at times we fall short. but we find mercy and solace in His grace.

not by our strength, but by His grace.


on another note, i've been daydreaming lots. or maybe just dreaming lots. haha. in the pursuit of 'morality/(self)righteousness' sometimes i think i've forgotten how to dream. or feel. i don't deny that i deny myself plenty. but in my denial i dont deny not denying other things that should be denied. <-- *trying to soundsmart* still, it is in my subconscious that rationality does not get the better of me, thus the random dreams and thoughts and stuff. but it is also there that i truely feel? it's weird. maybe that should be applied (in controlled doses) to the conscious mind too. naniyate?

still, i'm just a little bit random? now and then. :)

okay?