remember.

i have a feeling this is going to be a long post. i have the randomly blurtoutstuff feeling coming over me.

for all the times ive failed and not tried hard enough. i'm sorry.


i suppose im just beginning to understand myself a little bit better. you know how when who you think you are to other people, and what they actually think of you is different? haha. you know most times guys don't really care or think its possible (male ego) but it is. ok i wont be nasty and call it 'male' ego because it happens, for everyone. sometimes.

id like to know more. understand better. grow closer. teach me, please. just what it means to be faithful.

i cant understand it and i cant put a finger on it. some may think im delusional. some reckon its passion. but passion about what? i suppose one thing id ask is in this socalledpassion - is there any sense of joy? a sense of hope? or do i sense hypocrisy. or 'duty'. because we're supposed to.
You see through it all. please help me claim my heart for You.

on another note, ive also been highly impulsive, irritable, and probably alot more highly strung than usual. im not really one for mood swings, but id call this one a mood swing. haha. a pinch of rebellion in the mix of sillystuff.

some call it emo. hahahaha.
im sorry. but i am, on the odd occasion.

that, coupled with the very potent getting too far ahead of myself syndrome. i have all these silly thoughts and my imagination works double triple time in enticing my heart into things that i think would be excellent if i had in my life. covet covet covet. thats all i ever do.

working on it. along with pride, self-centredness, self-righteousness, idolatry, etc and everything else in between. its funny that to a certain extent - there is some kind of self-hatred, ok i wont call it hatred because thats too strong a word. but like disappointment and discontent and um. maybe yeah theres actually stuff about me that i dislike(or even hate)? i wonder if a healthy dosage of this actually contributes to identifying the sinful nature and dealing with it. like i said before, when i feel convicted - i really do feel like a convict. like i should be thrown in jail and punished etc. but again i say a 'healthy dosage'. i hate the sin that is in me. but i treasure every sinew of life and goodness that Jesus has breathed into this hopeless shell.

you know when theres stuff to lay down. at the foot of the cross. you could lay down hopes, dreams, desires. even good things. anything that would come between.

please help me find my heart.

i dont know where it is right now. i dont feel it much these days. but id like to lay that down. because i lose it sometimes.

but i know You wont.

Thank You.