in between

at the end of the day

i realise,

that i am no different.

as much as i want to be.



It's been a really peculiar time, these past few (many) days. Strangely, as uncomfortable as things seem there's also a sense of sobering actuality. i can't say it's bad, or good, for that matter. all i know is that it's certainly humbling and remarkably unlike anything i've experienced for a very long time. still, over the years i'd thought i'd get it figured out. such that things wouldn't be like that anymore.

and, as the years have come and gone, i can't actually say that there has been a real, tangible experience in deciphering and understanding. instead, i seem to always find myself (lost) in a swirl of familiar yet unsettling situations. always feeling raw, shaken, and left (worse than) the way things were.

am i making progress? that's where it's at anyway. and again, in a weird weird way...

...i am?

i think deep down, i'd subconsciously decided that rather than being like that (ever again) i'd just let it slide. let mr rational and mr idealistic do the thinking, and the doing (meaning nothing). and all this.. ...just doesn't solve anything at all. instead, all it has served to do is to make me more and more distant. unengaging. numb.

cold.

it's a strange thing the way Jesus works, in how He changes us - from the inside out, to open our eyes to see what it really means to (die and) live.

And though the world won't wait for me to deliver the textbook, model solution for and in every situation and circumstance thrown my way, i really shouldn't mind any more.

Because if i have not love, it wouldn't really mean anything, anyway.


so even when everything i think can go wrong does go wrong, and everything comes crashing down. would i still stand? would i still hope? would i still love?

the funniest thing about this (and i realise just how gloomy this all sounds especially if you read it with my whole black and dark gloomy kinda font/theme) is that through all this trial and confusion i'm actually being changed. that when things don't happen the way i hope they do or when i concede that i am lost, weary and defeated - something is at work, still. and this isn't just being positive and wearing a smile that masks the pain. if anything, the pain has to be there. i'm starting to understand that. it's not natural to like pain, of course, but understanding it as you go through it is something different entirely.

Suffering reminds us how we are human, less we forget.

but it also speaks of why we are in need of a Saviour.

so before i become carried away with plans of being all angel-like, at least i should be reminded of my humanity first. I'm not an angel, nor am I an animal. I am a man. God's creation, bearing His likeness and image. and, being fallen but restored through faith in Christ's sacrifice, and sharing in an inheritence that is eternal, I now continue to live a life poured out as a living sacrifice.

just being honest with myself.

that's what (Y)you've been teaching me all along.